So that is the result of brushing off the red lights - the warning signals at the beginning of the 30 years trek through mud and mire. I had to choose at the cross road either to trust God to lead me in an uncertain future in Bible school and mission field or settle with a quick fix of getting marry and having a family I dreamt of my whole life. My faith was not strong enough for me to choose the first and I entered the latter with unsure footing, thinking it couldn't possibly be that bad.


I was young, naive, being hurted and deprived most of my youth what parental love is. I didn't know what constitute 'love'. Though I am glad I was a Christian already and would absolutely refuse to comtemplate marrying a non Christian. But I was also young in my faith and could not discern what is 'true love' - love that would be mostly giving with no string attached and laboring for the good of the other person, from 'possessive love' - having someone as a fixture to accomplish one's own goal and seldom giving thought about the person.


As usual, God let us taste the consequence of our choices until we come to the end of our rope but he does not leave us in misery if we cry out to him. As I chose to grow closer to God and hang onto the fringe of his garment, he began to show me how I was taken advantage of by those who claim to love me. He show me it is not necessary to continue to subject myself to their treatments, becuse it is contrary to the purpose he made me. It has nothing to do with sharing life and the gosepel of Jesus. They just want me to serve their purposes tirelessly in the name of a virtuous Christian. Well, I don't need the name anymore, I rather be a nameless person sitting at the feet of Jesus than a 'someone' sitting piously among the 'reputatable' ones.





Yes, in restrospect, if I chose to be in the centre of God's plan, it would be like in the eye of a turnado, enjoying the exciting advanture of life and yet unharmed.